Utility

What Happened

My first Satsang weekend with David occurred and there were many moments of insight wherein everything stopped for me then filled in with ecstatic emotion. My clearest thought as the days went on is that David is a marvelous enigma to me and I fully embrace his advice not to conceptualize about it. But I like to break the rules ..

I did attempt to talk to him of a dream embrace. That led him to a short exposition about teaching done in dreams. That was great of course, but I wanted to express that the embracing him was very sweet but the deeper spiritual experience was that embrace transforming into an encompassing of humanity and infinite Life. Perhaps this is my guiding spiritual desire, to live in That. So then, the course of the Satsang consisted of precisely enjoining the humanity in the room. David's every interaction also happened to me. My friends were expressing to him their heartfelt experiences and I felt with them in those experiences – a matter of degree, but certainly I received the reflection of the teachings when David engaged every person individually. Most wonderfully each and everyone reflected also the grace they received in those teachings.

I love the paradox. He speaks from experience as a person but also as the impersonal, The seeker is brought to a stop by that impersonal – I feel it that way; that is, the seeker expresses a condition, it may be desirable or not, and either way it gets deconstructed. I feel it like a wall, that all has been done and nothing is to be done. Certainly it is an end to strategy. It could easily been seen as extremely direct, the way this stoppage is applied. Yet it is so clearly the Truth when he speaks it, for Truth speaks it. This however is not the end of the teaching. Now, at the point of deconstruction, I (or you) are at a point of surrender, fully there, now, yearning. As one participant put it: “hungry”.

David said, in supplication to the seeker “I bow down to that hunger!”. I simply could not contain my joy at those words. This was a person, David, through which direct experience was being shared with the seeker - and as I suggested, to all of us at that moment. And this happened many times in the course of these two days as David took up relationship to individual seekers in their “questions”. I also love the advent of his humility, his humanity. One intuits an innocence and transparency. In teaching he always emphasizes that although he experiences the divine he is also a person like everyone else and all the relative suffering and fulfillment that can entail. He points out that it is the operation of Truth (the Mother) that is encountering the Sadhana of the seekers and finding what needs to be said and done. The visceral experience of what is then opened is the operation of Her Shakti.

This body-mind infusion of divine energy is then happening in the seeker, in David the person and in everyone participating. As David put it he really experienced the Ananda most when he said “I bow down to that hunger!”. It seemed to me he was telling us what happened to himself as a person in that event because he was emphasizing his own humanity in the operation of the Mother – he referred to himself as “a radiant piece of shit”. And so another wave of bliss filled my heart.

Since the event I have continued to experience a heightened sense of vulnerability to spiritual inspiration – ongoing moments of “tears of recognition” (Richard Moss). So I swim on in the transmission generated by David's embodiment. Its all about the details of my particular life activities, but most of all about the practice of meditation. As I finish writing and editing this it is Friday and we have had the Wednesday night webcast with David. I inquired of him the nature of meditation. Its a hard question to ask if one wants to convey what they practice as tersely as one can. Stating what happens when I sit for meditation, it went something like this: “There is thought about the 'I' and there is thought about all else that is 'not I', yet both these are one in the field of thought and there is that which exceeds this field. Is this meditation?”. Well, the answer for me is of course “yes” - though I did not include in my question the further complication of resolving the disparate aspects of thought into repetition of mantra. So essentially meditation for me is residing in what exceeds the domain of thought.

Before concluding on the answer David gave me, I want to share the strategy I had in mind in asking it (yea I know I shouldn't do that but..). Meditation as I have described it is indeed effective in bringing me to the wall I talked about earlier. As such I conceptualize that as then sitting in a condition conducive to the operation of Grace. Meditation does come with Grace .. that is, with maintaining a vulnerability, Shakti does operate in my daily life.. its a more blissful existence. The mystery here is how a relationship with David, as a person and with the transmission of Shakti, an exponential of the level of bliss in my body-mind occurs. I asked my question to evoke that. David told me my question was too convoluted and I should try to ask it in a more simple way.

So my clearest understanding is that David is a marvelous enigma to me and I fully embrace his advice not to conceptualize about it. I think this is going to be a process of fail, fail better .. and see what happens. Who cares in such a relationship what time is involved if time is involved at all. What comes to mind are the words of Sri Ramakrishna: “The breeze of Grace is always blowing, just raise your sail”.