Utility

Always returning home to light!

After some months, I had the opportunity to visit David in California for his most recent intensive. Now is an opportunity to speak from personal experience going forward from that event, from my flickering lamp of meditative practice. Most continually in my thought is still: “I must be something better than what I am” - though less is the grip of that mental condition, that dilemma, than before. Enhanced is my understanding that my field of reality is taking place in thought, the reality of a process engaged in time. Meditation as I “practice” is a suspending of participation in that dilemma and an abiding in that from which thought arises. It is abiding in that actual “I” in which the thought of “I” arises. I must add that this also constitutes a practice of creative imagination. I'm not making a presentation about meditation practice; this is my inner experience always being further clarified. What is actually happening is meditation itself. I cannot possibly acquire meditation, because being meditated is not my calculations creating this result. My “reality” condition tends to capture my attention. That from which all thought arises is not to be noticed: actuality is what can be called divinity, the”I” that is never an object of knowledge. As to David, what exists as his body-mind complex is a direct transmission of divinity with no dilemma. This I intuit directly as that divine nature exists free of dilemma in my own body-mind, though there is a difference in clarity: I still continue with a degree of preoccupation with ideas about my shortcomings. What happens in the company of this enlightened teacher is an energetic explosion of the gripping nature of thought. You can find out yourself.

During the intensive with David, I was experiencing a churning turmoil; even more so than is usual for me when sitting for meditation. I was sitting with my dissatisfaction, the dilemma of my thought-world highly energized. This is when I always wait, meditation, at this stage of clarity, constitutes waiting. With this, is abiding in the divine as I have tried to speak of it earlier. So there was an intensified turmoil which I experienced as an unresolved field of conflict, full of power. I was abiding with that and also with attention to creative imagination of actuality. I was waiting, keenly aware of my proximity to David, when suddenly the churning power engaging my thoughts jumped up as it were, and into my heart, that is, into pure feeling. My body-mind was engulfed by feeling. It was “bliss” with a strong physical current generating goosebumps, and tears, and generalized powerful sensations throughout the body. More significantly there was a release from my mundane realm of thinking, which remained, but with very little meaning or neurotic anxiety.

That yearning state of thought agitation may be discernible as a bundle of varied neuroses. It was really very funny that at the start of the sitting, David joked about those of us wanting to sit closer to him. He spoke in terms of our “neurotic” belief that we would get something more from him that way. However, there are different qualities that we can evoke in our thought world. Let me go back to that moment when the energy transmission awakened my heart. An aspect of my meditation is not simply to take passively whatever my thought-world is presenting - rather I engage my own creative imagination. I employ a number of modalities for this including music and poetry. For example, I evoke a conducive quality in my thought-world with Lex Hixon's English interpretation of the mystic poetry of Ramprasad. These are Bengali songs of his enlightenment composed over 200 years ago, but ever fresh, and amazingly interpreted by Lex. I was engaging a particular poem, offering it to David, when that physical-emotional explosion was gracefully given.

This was an episodic event, it came, it went. Such come and go often in meditative practice – certainly always when in David's physical company. These are “tastes”, as David sometimes refers to them. Bliss is, well, blissful – but does not add anything to what is already actual. Tastes are encouraging and very satisfying to the body-mind complex in the episodic experience. Yet their significance, I find, is in the residual situation of clarity of enlightenment. By this I mean my subjective experience is left at a new register of clarity about actuality, even as the thought-reality may remain at a diminished degree of negative neurotic content relative to creative imagination. Desirous of placing myself physically near as possible to David may be neurotic, but it is my most fond and fruitful imagination. I place my head at his feet. I make offerings.

It is so fascinating and inspiring to hear members of our gathering share about the subjective impact of David's holy company. Listening, it always evokes a sympathetic string in my own experience. It is also a way of learning. I did share my experience during the intensive. Like everyone, I am sure, what we can speak of at that moment can only begin to touch the actuality of what happened to us. David asked if the “turmoil” I spoke of was still present. My answer, “not so much” was a kind of understatement . Now, here, I have been able to share more deeply the meaning of what is a new register of clarity, of light. Every moment with David is full of this significance; in meditation sessions, in the brilliant and funny serious conversations with his devotees, in the small talk with him about whatever. Its all transmission of clarity of enlightenment. I could do no better at the time than offer to him and our gathering the poem:

Mother of the Universe,
What do you encounter in your own meditations?

Mother of Wisdom, you gaze effortlessly
through the insubstantial veil of relativity,
but consider the predicament of the devotee
who is now crying out to you.
Whenever my flickering lamp of meditative practice
is temporarily extinguished,
my opponents, the countless egocentric impulses,
laugh and dance in triumph.

Even though there is oil of devotion
and the wick of concentration is trimmed,
my lamp is constantly in danger of being smothered
by the swarming beetles of selfish desire.
These peculiar and elusive insects puzzle me.
They seem to appear from nowhere.

Yet this helpless child of Mother
is protected even from subtle danger
and sings with joyous release:
“Ma! Ma! Ma!
You have revealed the revolutionary truth.
Regardless of this uncertain lamp,
this inconsistent contemplation,
my essential nature is already light.
I am always within light, O Mother,
always returning home to light.
When these physical eyes close for the last time,
darkness will dissolve into light
and light into you.”

Comments

Thank you for sharing this poem at the intensive, it was so powerful and perfect!!!! It is so wonderful to see you and others flower into being in David's presence. It truly is amazing to see our neurosis dissolve into radiance, I always wonder why I was bothered by anything in the first place. In radiant bliss there is no room for anything else. Jai David!!!! Namaste!!!

By BHAKTI8