Utility

The Fire of Primal Feeling

I excerpt this quote from David's writing, 'The Fire Beyond Self-Realization'( which is available to be read at DavidSpero.org).

"In Self-realization the emotions were transcended. In a sense, there was nothing you could really feel in that Self-realized state that could really make a significant impact, any significant impact in your Awareness. But once the Self “fades,” then the identification with the Absolute dissolves. By the way, it doesn’t dissolve existentially. I want to be very clear about this. It doesn’t dissolve in reality. Only the sensation, the experience of It fades. Okay? You’ve got it? Only the experience of It fades.

The emotions are then set free in that vast silence, where they panic - the feelings panic because the nature of feeling is to want an object. Feeling always wants an object. It’s its nature; it’s its beautiful, exquisite, relational nature. So it craves “the Other.” It craves, really, the Beloved, at that point, the forgotten Beloved Self. But if existentially you are nothing but the Self, what can the feelings really do? Where really can they go to find this “Other,” this Beloved?

The feelings begin to combust. It’s really the introduction to a maddening state. Have you ever been in love? I mean, have you ever really been taken with someone? You know what happens! You can’t get them out of your head. You can’t get them out of your mind. It’s just like the Absolute that you once experienced in nirvana and the processes leading up to nirvana – the whole process of glimpsing, re-glimpsing until you become the Glimpser. Now this whole thing gets re-enacted in the field of feeling. Feeling is craving the Supreme Beloved, the Adorable One. But, it’s already in a nondual state (that was achieved in Self-realization, right?). I’m going to keep going back and forth so you understand. I don’t want to lose you.

The emotions begin to heat up, profoundly. It’s a discomforting state of aggravated feeling. In fact, you could even say, that the essential aspects of every emotion are activated – anger, fear, sorrow – but in an illumined state.

The human being naturally begins to be turned on itself in a most enthralling manner. You’ve felt deep sexual passion, deep sexual desire? It’s like that. Only, where is it going to go? There’s no “other.” So the feelings begin to really feel themselves for the very first time."

I am noticing this exact experience. I noticed yesterday in the intensive, and today. I felt it while sitting with David, yesterday, and on the break when speaking with people, and alone today while meditating. My feelings go into an intense craving for an unknowable expression, like craving an “Other”, but this desire is bewildering, because no action with an Other, would satisfy this desire, at least not in any conventional sense. It’s like wanting to reach out to different people and commune with them in ecstatic, primal joy (not to be taken too literally!), a thoroughly deconditioned ecstasy that is boundless. But the desire doesn’t work out in any concrete sense because such desire in the physical world wouldn’t be plausible, or rational, or even real. It's a reaching out through Consciousness for an unknown culmination. David's metaphor of the child going crazy with joy playing with the toy is quite apt. No expression I can think of will satisfy this feeling, but it remains. It really is “ a discomforting state of aggravated feeling." So I suppose I am "feeling feelings feeling themselves," as David says. There is nothing to do with with it, which is bewildering. It is directionless.

I shared this with David and his response was:

"Yes, what is described here is the equivalancy of utter Self-Expansion (read "Realization" here) on the level of the emotions, or, you could also say, the Self beginning to filter in into the feeling-body. It's what the Self 'feels like' to that part of the being."

Comments

Hello MIchael,

Thank you for this lovely post, and for putting yourself "out there". I have some experiences and reflections I would like to share with you, but I would rather do this off site. Could you either contact me or enable your on-site email? Thank you. TF

By TF (not verified)

I believe I enabled my on site e-mail, if not let me know and we'll try the other way.

By michael ortega

I definitely relate to this, reading this post lights me on fire and ruthlessly grips my heart. This yearning is utterly maddening, sometimes I literally don't care about anything but communing in the infinite sweetness of the Beloved, I have been feeling this way today, after last night in my class when my teacher and all of my classmates turned into "David" (so to speak) and were radiating Divine Consciousness back to me.
For some reason it even makes the sweet longing even stronger and more unbearable to write about it publicly, or to "come out of the closet" about it. I am not sure why, I guess it just feels incredibly vulnerable.

Thank you for sharing this, even though it was a whole couple years ago.

Namaste,
Jordan

By Jordan