Utility

Mother gave me a job

Mother gave me a job as a church-singer for the next 4 months, my singing-voice is like the thread that binds me to existence. Yet I never know when my last day at work is, when my body gives up, cause it gives up all the time.

I am caught in a web of physical suffering, exhausted of trying to break free. I have to give up again and again... Mother has me in her grip, her Love grip. I don't know what Love is, it's just outside my understanding, it shines from everywhere and nowhere.

Breathing is my daily life and death, as I am put into suffering by swimming in the sea of pollution and chemicals in Her bliss-sea I am held in an infinite color spectrum that all this world is made of, infinite colors that has a sweet nectar of love in them, a light-color-bath that all this world lives as.

As my deepest longing wish to be in the coffin they carry to the grave, instead I am left to die within endless pure Love. I long to give away my life, to a body-mind stronger than I. I am not suited for living and breathing, my empathy and senses has come lose, are unbound. And I don't feel the capasity or value to be alive. With all the starving humans on earth, why am I fed a meal of food today?

In absolute weakness, suffering and disease, Mother smiles, only love is here. Everything has left me. When I sing, every single song and word I sing as if it was the last word and tune that came out of my body, cause it is. Mother gives me no safety in living nor dying, I have nowhere to escape. There is but Her; Love.

My head squeezed by the fumes I inhale like sniffing glue - my brain is toxic, Mother lights the fire of God-intoxication from the outside in and the inside out. I am left to burn, in the extremes: in the dual-nondual.

My will to invest in “becoming” has gone. Now the will to be healthy and survive is vanishing. I would rather die than investing in becoming something or someone. I have never liked any teachers or spiritual teachers. Only darshan has ever made sense - pure Grace functioning. I would rather die in devotion, give up everything including my body-mind than holding on to any false ideas, and the worst of all ideas would be the idea of “being a spiritual/self realized/enlightened teacher”. If the teacher is God, he is Darshan. Namaste. All pure Grace functioning, I bow for Grace That I am.

Comments

Mother likes to use this body/mind to sing too! Let her sing even if it is the last song. Only you can sing in your particular way. Only I can sing in my particular way. It's all one song sung through different instruments. You don't have to be a teacher. You are what you are. I am truly sorry you are suffering. I know from my own experience that soaking in David's darshan helps with that. I am so grateful for that grace.

By jasalerno