Utility

Eternally remaining in innocence, as innocence - pure functioning

Everything is making me sick. Everything I have ever said, done, written, read, head, sung, believed, told, seen, imagined, felt on touched etc. etc. Except the simple functioning of everything right here and now. Never before, never after, never anything or nothing. Just this aliveness I can’t touch.
To me it seems like the human-world is functioning as one huge prostitution-camp. In what way do I want to prostitute myself? What body part do I want to cut off, which part do I want to sacrifice? In which way do I want to lose my virginity, leave my natural innocence, walk away from "home"? And how many beings and things do I want to "use" for my satisfaction? The ignorant human-functioning is like a junkie wanting the next fix, eternally hungry for that which never comes.

I am not against anything - it just the opposed, I have a very strong intention. The intention is the complete opposed of any intention my will could have. It's like an undoing. Fx if my will said: Hey, I want to write a blog, my real intention says: I want to "un-write" a blog, take away anything, un do myself.
Because Life as it eternally unfolds right here, right now is so beautiful. Everything I could do, hold on to, say etc would betray this breathtaking beauty, this undisturbed innocence of simple functioning. Mother is so Beautiful. If I could get a job laying my heart, my perception, my body-mind down before Her, laying my devotion on the road She walks, I would like to have that job.

When I see a picture of David Spero, my heart jumps, I am Home. Undisturbed innocence is here right before me. When the robin and other birds sits beside me in the garden looking at me, undisturbed beauty looks at me. If I could get a job as a life-devotee, I would do that. I have no desire to prostitute myself anymore, but recognize that is all I am. I feel like throwing up over myself and everything, no matter what way I try, there is only “one placeless place” I want to be. I am only happy in Mothers Mouth, eternally swallowed in Her, remaining in eternal innocence, never having to give away my virginity to anything or anyone ever again.

Even writing these words right now, is making me feel really ill and depressed. I am only a disappointment for myself and for all other people looking for any fulfillment in me. I have nothing to offer, it's the complete opposed- There's nothing to get here or there. Thank God I will never be beautiful, "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". I want to be who I am: a beholder, perceiving beauty that is everywhere all the time. Mother; pure beauty unfolding as simple functioning – forever and ever. I never want to be beautiful, because I am only happy with everything as beauty.
Thank God I will never be loveable, because that would mean I would also be the opposed. Everything is Love. David, the room, my bed, the birds, the sky, but looking for anything loveable, or I trying to be desirable is my endless failure.

If my existence could be to step away, walk away, fall away, live undone as the eternal obstacle I am and will always be - I would do that. I don't want to be perceived or perceive, because me as an object is only a drop in the ocean. Fixating on me would be such a shame when the ocean is so beautiful. Look at me, fixate on me, read these words, perceive me, and you will only be disappointed.
Once I was a prostitute, an object of pleasure. Once I was hungry, looking for pleasure everywhere, looking for something to use for my satisfaction, no matter what the cost would be. Mother is the reason I am now free, and with sadness I see how I am one step away from being a slave of prostitution, the same sadness is what surrenders me in devotion, where Mother holds me in place as that which I truly am: Hers.
Mother, you are pure innocence, everything eternally remaining in its innocent virginity. My only joy is to be in your embrace. I am yours. I am going to cry right now.
You are eternal untouch-ness, forever touching. The light as color of color dancing. A rainbow.

Amazing Grace so sweet, eternally saving a wretch like me. I once was lost and will always be completely lost, but eternally found and held in You. I am blind, but you bathe my none-existing eyes. I will never be able to see, perceive or feel anything; you are the eyes I see by, the heart of everything. You are the perception and the perceived, the beauty in the eye of the beholder.
In the land where no beauty or beholder can be found.

Comments

A lot of what your saying I have experienced in ways during my journey. I'm not as good at expressing it as you are

By ryan