Utility

July 14th satsang (a belated entry ;-)

The shakti was so strong at the SF Zen Center satsang on July 14th that I felt like I was melting back into primordial energy. The shakti seemed to be gently opening holes in my material being so that spirit could shine through. It was almost like earthworms working their way through hardened soil, making it fertile again. David was just radiating light like the sun god on his throne. It is impossible to describe in words just how rejuvenating this was.

After having spent many years of what seemed to be relatively consistent growth on the spiritual path (if one can speak in such terms), for a long time I felt that I have been somewhat inexorably devolving back into a "normal" human, material being. I know that may smack of spiritual elitism, but after experiencing your being dissolving into light on so many occasions, there is a certain horrific sensation if you start to solidify again. We are energetic beings, and a part of us burns with a desire to return to energy. When stagnation sets in and you feel yourself hardening into a "muggle", wherein your primary concerns are base and physical, your spiritual side becomes malnourished, and it feels like a slow death. Some have mentioned this as a type of "dark night of the soul", and it's a night that seems to never end.

I remember reading the story of Milarepa, who was given a special message by his guru Marpa just prior to Marpa's death. Milarepa was told not to open the letter until he underwent a major crisis. For years he held onto the letter like a sacred relic, at times keeping it on his head while meditating. At one point, though, despite his intense, unrelenting sadhana, he was no longer able to meditate. When this happened, he finally felt like all hope was lost. At that point he opened the letter, and the timely instructions helped him make the final push to self-realization.

I had likewise hit a wall where it seemed like I could no longer meditate effectively. My sadhana was just not happening. Thanks to David, I feel like I've been given a new lease on life. Thank you, David!